


with the same damn hunger (to feel anything at all)

by pondify



Series: (boyf) riends with benefits [2]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Codependency, Friends With Benefits, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Pining, Pining!Jeremy, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-22
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2019-01-04 02:50:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12160038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pondify/pseuds/pondify
Summary: Michael seems to deflate a little. “That’s the thing. I feel like he doesn’t even see me that way, you know?”Yeah,Jeremy thinks, his chest aching.I know.





	with the same damn hunger (to feel anything at all)

**Author's Note:**

> thank you all so much for the positive reactions to this!! i appreciate every comment and every bit of feedback you guys have! 
> 
> this is the second work in the series, but chronologically it comes before the first one. this is how the boys got into their messy situation. 
> 
> i hope you enjoy!
> 
> (title is from halsey's "strangers")

“Hey,” Michael says one day, looking over at Jeremy. They’re both stoned, sprawled out on the couch together in Michael’s basement, smoke hanging in the air around them hazily. “I, uh, I need to tell you something.”

Jeremy blinks at him. “What’s up?” he says, slurring the tiniest bit. Weed always makes him sleepy, and he’s having trouble focusing, but he registers the way Michael seems anxious, a slight edge to his voice. A fluttering, tingly buzz of nervous anticipation starts up in the pit of Jeremy’s stomach.

Shifting himself into a sitting position, Michael frowns, pushing his hair off his forehead. “I-I think I have a crush on somebody,” he says haltingly, his eyes darting to Jeremy’s expectantly.

_ Crush. _

The word echoes in Jeremy’s head too loudly, clanging around the walls of his brain. The buzz is spreading, crawling up into his chest, but it’s turned unpleasant.

_ Michael has a crush on somebody. _

_ Somebody else. _

“Really? Who is it?” Jeremy asks, praying his voice will remain steady.

Michael fidgets, biting back a shy, adorable grin. “Rich,” he confesses, cheeks turning pink.

The static fills Jeremy’s head and rushes down into his fingertips. He feels hot and cold at the same time, struggling to accept this answer.

_ Rich _ ?

“That’s great,” Jeremy hears himself say through the crackling buzz, and his lips stretch into a hollow smile. “Do you think that he likes you back?”

“I’m not sure.” Michael seems to deflate a little. “That’s the thing. I feel like he doesn’t even see me that way, you know?”

_ Yeah _ , Jeremy thinks, his chest aching.  _ I know. _

* * *

Nearly a month later, it comes up again. They’re in Jeremy’s room this time, and Michael’s sitting beside Jeremy on his bed. There’s clearly something wrong—his shoulders are hunched, his gaze resolutely fixed on his lap as he fiddles with a loose string on his hoodie. He’s been acting strangely all day, withdrawn and sad, but Jeremy’s barely been able to get a word out of him about it.

“Michael,” Jeremy says softly. “Come on, please just tell me what’s wrong.” His hand comes to rest on Michael’s shoulder, tentative at first before it settles there.

When Michael looks up, to Jeremy’s surprise, there are tears in his eyes, and he chokes out a little sob.

“Oh, jeez,” Jeremy says, his stomach dropping. “Oh,  _ jeez _ , Michael, c’mere—”

His best friend falls into his arms, fingers knotting in the fabric of Jeremy’s cardigan as he cries against his shoulder. Despite his shock, Jeremy is quick to wrap his arms around Michael, holding him tightly in an awkward, messy embrace.

Michael cries himself out, shoulders shaking, and Jeremy rubs his back in a valiant attempt to comfort him. His nose is buried in Michael’s soft, dark hair, and Jeremy hates himself for the way his heartbeat accelerates. He can’t help it. Michael is just so warm and soft and he smells so good and—

“I-it’s Rich,” Michael says quietly, his voice trembling, and pulls back a little. His glasses are smudged and wet, and he takes them off, sniffling. “He, um. He and Jake are d-dating.” His voice cracks on the last word.

Jeremy’s traitorous heart gives a leap of hope at that, and yeah, he definitely hates himself. “Oh, man,” he says, and the sympathy in his voice isn’t fake, because he really does feel bad for Michael. He knows the feeling all too well. “I’m sorry.”

He is sorry. But he still hopes.

Still trembling with a few erratic sobs, Michael leans back against Jeremy and closes his eyes. Jeremy runs his fingers through Michael’s hair, slow and soothing to himself as much as Michael, and wishes.

After a long moment, Michael lets out a watery little laugh. “God,” he says quietly, not looking up at Jeremy. “It’s shitty, but… even right now, I wish it was him holding me. I feel like… like nobody is ever gonna love me, you know? Sorry, that’s really f-fucking dramatic—”

There are no words to describe the way Michael’s words cut deep into Jeremy, jagged edges tearing into his heart with every syllable. He swallows hard and blinks back the tears in his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he says, because it’s all he can think to say.  _ Sorry that you have to hold me instead of him. Sorry that I’m so selfish. Sorry that I get this when you don’t. Sorry that I can’t show you how much you’re loved. _

_ You deserve the world, and all you get is me. _

“No, I’m sorry.” Michael takes a deep, shuddering breath and wipes at his eyes. “You shouldn’t have to deal with this.”

“Hey,” Jeremy says gently. “Michael, listen to me.” He lifts Michael’s head with a hand under his chin and looks straight into his eyes. “You’re my best friend, and I love you. It’s pretty much my job to deal with this.”

Michael laughs faintly, but his eyes are still red-rimmed and glistening with tears.

As he searches for a way to comfort him, Jeremy’s eyes flicker over Michael’s face. God, even when he’s crying, he’s still gorgeous.  _ Anyone who wouldn’t love you is fucking stupid, _ he thinks—and that’s the thought that makes him say, “Michael, uh, can I kiss you?”

“Wh—” Michael’s eyes widen.

“N-not, like, fuck—” Jeremy rushes to correct himself, flushing, because of  _ course  _ he’d fuck this up, “I just meant, uh—i-if you wanted, w-we could, um, like, kiss to make you feel better? I’m sorry, I—”

“Jeremy,” Michael interrupts him, his face softening with affection. “Thank you, I—seriously, you don’t know how much that means to me, but—you don’t have to do this for me.”

“I want to,” Jeremy says, and it hurts to admit, because he means it more than Michael will ever know.

There’s a pause, and then, Michael nods. 

Jeremy’s heart starts to pound, hammering in his chest. “Are you sure?” he says softly.

“Yeah.” Michael’s cheeks redden a little, but he doesn’t back down. “I’m sure.”

Trying to calm the rapid thumping of his heart, Jeremy leans in slowly, giving Michael time to back away. When he doesn’t, he presses his lips against Michael’s, gentle and chaste, his hand moving up to cup the other boy’s cheek. Michael kisses him back hesitantly, his lips warm and tasting slightly of tears. Jeremy can’t quite believe this is real.

After a long moment, Jeremy pulls back, his eyes fluttering open. Michael’s eyes are still closed, his lips parted, long, damp eyelashes clumped together as they rest on his cheeks. “Kiss me again,” he whispers.

Michael doesn’t have to ask him twice. Jeremy touches his mouth to Michael’s again, scooting a little closer. Michael’s hand settles on Jeremy’s knee, and he hums softly in the back of his throat, his body loosening as some of the tension dissipates.

The feeling of Michael’s lips on his is electric, and Jeremy wants more. He kisses Michael a little harder, and Michael reciprocates, his nose bumping against Jeremy’s. His fingers creep an inch up Jeremy’s thigh, nails scraping lightly on the denim.

Jeremy’s shaking as he breaks the kiss, burying his face in Michael’s shoulder to try and compose himself. God.  _ God _ .

“Are you okay?” Michael murmurs, sounding worried. “We don’t have to do this, I’m sorry—”

“No, I’m fine,” Jeremy says, lifting his head. If he thinks about it too hard, guilt will start to curdle inside him, souring the good feeling, and he doesn’t want that. “Can we…?”

Rather than answering, Michael kisses him, both of his hands coming up to brace on Jeremy’s shoulders. Jeremy inhales sharply in surprise, but quickly relaxes into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Michael’s waist. His heart is still beating hard, making his throat feel tight. The longing ache in his chest intensifies, and he holds Michael a little tighter.

Michael pulls away after a long moment, his lips quirking into a smile. “Thank you,” he says quietly, his eyes impossibly warm and kind. He leans up and presses a soft kiss to Jeremy’s forehead, and Jeremy shuts his eyes, feeling the lump in his throat grow.

“Of course,” Jeremy whispers.  _ For you, anything. _

“You’re my best friend,” Michael says and leans his head on Jeremy’s shoulder. 

“You’re my best friend too.” Jeremy carefully takes Michael’s hand, lacing their fingers together and pressing his palm against Michael’s. “If you ever need… i-if you want to do that again—”

“Yeah?” He can hear the smile in Michael’s voice. “I’d like that. It’s… nice. To have someone to do this with, no feelings involved or anything.” He quiets for a moment, then says, “Promise me this won’t mess up our friendship, okay? I can’t—I can’t do that.”

Jeremy blinks, and a single tear drips down his cheek. He breathes deeply, glad Michael isn’t looking at him. “Okay. No feelings involved.”

“You promise?” 

“I promise.”

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr!
> 
> [playground-ghost.tumblr.com](http://playground-ghost.tumblr.com)


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